I need to somehow express what I feel somehow, because it's always there, and I don't usually talk about how I feel, and it's not a good thing. My family is struggling a lot lately, with lots of problems, but my dad still forces us down at the table to eat and pretend everything is perfect, but he always treats people like they're inferior. You can see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice. He mocks me and thinks I'm not observent enough to notice it, and if I hint at it at all, it gets worse. He's been wearing a mask for so long it's become his face. My mom doesn't seem to like my dad. I've noticed a lot of arguments, there've always been those. I haven't seen them so much as hug in the last eight years. My sister is falling apart. Drinking, drugs, sneaking out at night, and god knows what else. I look at the people around me and don't know what to say. They all have problems of their own, so complaining about mine seems selfish and childish, and it makes me feel guilty, so I bottle it up. I've been bottling everything up for years, and I can tell it's changed me. I hoped not to change because of it, but I have. I feel a malice inside me, and hatred. It all mounts onto the incredible frustration of it all. There's so much wrong, but no communication. What isn't said rules over what is said. We don't need to say it to know it's there. It's always there, influencing us on what to say and do, even if it makes us feel empty on the inside. Is this hormones? Am I just going to go to sleep and it'll be all better? I've woken up too many times only to end up the same at night to know that it doesn't go away. I just forget it for awhile.
I've thought about this a lot, and I try to understand my feelings. I feel selfish for wanting more, for feeling like I deserve more. I feel better sometimes, and I think I'm just making it all dramatic, but it always, ALWAYS comes back. It's never resolved because we won't resolve it. We live pretending it's not there. Obviously I'm talking about more than one issue, at this point. I feel bad for feeling that other people don't understand, I feel bad for feeling angry and frustrated with them not understanding, but everyone can't understand everyone else's problems. It just isn't possible, but I still look for it. It sounds futile, which makes it sound a whole lot better. I don't know what to think. I run into one 'answer', but it never lasts. That's just life, some say, but one of the biggest things that annoys the crap out of me is when someone says 'that's just life', or 'that's just how it is'. I ask them, why? How? Since when? They don't answer. They don't answer because they don't know, yet they pretend to, or think they do. Understanding something and learning about it are two different things.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, entirely. I guess I want people to know. I want to try to help them understand, even if it's never possible. I'm tired of all the frustration and the silence. I'm tired of being tired about it. I can't even cry because I won't let myself. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired. I need to get far away and not think. Not do anything, or feel anything, or anything. Just nothing. Because if you ask me, that's peace. Nothing to be jealous of, and nothing to feel the fear of losing, even though people don't realize you can't lose what you don't have to begin with.
The main thing is frustration. Pure teeth grinding frustration. I want to hurt something until it hurts like I do. I want to blame something. It's childish to feel this way, but I do. I realize I can't do those things, but the feelings are still there. Perhaps that's how it is with everything. I know that people can't forget the bad things, and that the secret is just to live with it, but I've heard a lot of things. It's hard to trust and believe when you're constantly keeping secrets and being very careful and cautious, meticulus, even in something as stupid as my facial expression when I'm talking to someone. I'm sick and tired and frustrated. I'm repeating myself. It's like I want to take my words and hit people over the head over and over to make them realize what they mean to me. Words aren't enough for feelings, they're poor representations.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I'm not sure about my own feelings. I'm not sure about my uncertainty. I'm not even sure about being uncertain about BEING uncertain. I don't want to think anymore. It just hurts.
It's like a fire that doesn't stop. The more I talk about it, the worse it gets. I want to rip this all these feelings out of me and burn them. I hate where I work, I hate all this nagging, and I'm thanking god I'll be going to college, soon. This is hell. I don't give a shit anymore if people think I'm whining, or selfish, or dramatic, or that I think my 'brand of suffering' is worse than theirs, because none of it is true. All I know is that it hurts. It's been hurting for as long as I can remember, and I'm numb from it. I want relief. I want out. I want out before I'm lost for good.